ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
