whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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