When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
