It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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