What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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