i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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