peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
