just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
