Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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