He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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