Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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