if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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