I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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