I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
