Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
