??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
