I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
