My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
