happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
