last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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