my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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