i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
