did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was so not down for the gang bang
the condom got lost in my hair
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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