there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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