don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
