I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
