Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
