y did u give ur computer a hand job?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
