So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
