More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
