If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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