I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
