I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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