apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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