My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
