peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
where does the pee come out of this thing
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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