ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
