yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
