If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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