Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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