Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
