Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
