gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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