Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
