I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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