well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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