i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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