im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
