By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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