Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
