this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
